Fear, focus, and the future. Here, C.M. Humphries writes about whatever.
In 2014, at a Peebles Ohio Preschool Halloween Event, a small child received a bag full of goodies including Milk Duds . Inside of those fun-sized boxes were live rounds instead of tar-like treats. (For those that don't know me, I love those tar-like treats.)
Side Note: Does "Chrissy" not totally sound like Olive Oil?
Actually, I have more to say about this. A bigger crime than the bullets themselves is this entire news package. How many puns did you count? I counted at least 4.
That reporter, though. How about this pivotal fucking moment:
A supervisor at the preschool told me she couldn't comment.
Way to sell it, buddy. Oh yeah, your voice cracked twice beforehand.
And how about the editing? Whoever was in charge of putting this together was a sarcastic asshole, which is saying something coming from me, a man who takes pride in the nickname "CHUMP." Right after they discuss the .22 rounds, we cut to Olive Oil--I mean, Chrissy--discussing how great the Peeble's Program is for preschoolers.
The treats were the product of a failed and undetected attempt to mail 5 ounces of marijuana to someone in San Francisco.
Somebody tried to mail it and didn’t have enough postage or the address was wrong.
A lot of their dead mail, stuff that’s nonperishable, is given away to charity
(The employee) picked up the candy along with a bunch of canned goods. He took the other items to a church but kept the candy.
So, you get the gist of the story already. Also, are you as suspicious of "the employee" as I am?
Anyway, rather than purchase his own candy with this own money for Halloween, the employee used the fun-sized Snickers bag. (He didn't bother to check the contents first. Hmm.) That was, until the police busted him. Luckily, they believed his story and he was off of the hook.
Flakka, Flakka, Flakka!
When I was a kid, local clinics offered to x-ray candy for foreign objects due to razor-blade scares, etc. Turns out, they didn't find shit. Why did they even offer to do it? Because there were a few incidents, but not enough to cause panic. Most of them, however, just turned out to be really terrible pranks. And most of them today still feel like pranks.
And then there is this KHQ6 Story about a Spokane (which turns out to be a real town name like Roachdale) family that found random pieces of metal ranging from nails to chunks of a watch in their Halloween candy. While it's a new story, I'm personally on the fence. Read it, check out the comments, and decide for yourself. Let's move on to the cocaine story.
For anyone who doesn't know, I guess, this is how the UK handles cocaine.
Donald Junior Green, a local [Oldham] "drug enthusiast", was approached by some trick-or-treaters, and he handed out what he thought were bags of Haribo gummy candies (seriously, what's up with drugs and gummies?), but they were really his bags of cocaine.
What's worse, 3 children were with their dad, a local police officer. Green immediately realized his mistake and rummaged the streets trying to correct his wrongdoings. Ultimately, he received 130 hours of--drum roll, please--community service.
So this guy was . . . er, . . . being a hero and definitely not trying to save his ass or trying to save his money & his coke, got a slap on the wrist, and the present officer couldn't discern a bag of coke from a bag of gummies? Keep reading for an even dumber cocaine story!
Here is a guy who was busted for coke while being tried for coke.
Bonus Candy Fun
One out of every 20 or 30 bags would have one or two little gummy penises in them.
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Fear, focus, and the future. C.M. Humphries talks about writing, horror, and whatever.