Fear, focus, and the future. Here, C.M. Humphries writes about whatever.
Around this time last year, I started up a small list of some of the worst holiday promotions and things I stumbled across. This year is no different, and you probably will cringe at some of the things I've found. By the way, there's a bit of adult content below, so you probably shouldn't click "Read More" if you're under 18. Now that I'm in the legal clearing, let's talk about some of the worst holiday promotions.
5. Those ornaments won't fit on this tree.
This one makes the end of the list because I'm not too sure it's the worst holiday promotional technique, but it certainly isn't the most tasteful. And for those of you staring hardcore at the loops of those girls' ornaments - well, those are pasties on top so they're not technically naked, though they sell it well.
This photo was taken near Goldfinger's, a gentleman's club in San Diego. The idea was to draw more customers in with the holiday spirit, and to my understanding, the girls turned the firehouse poles green and red.
Why a gentleman's club has the sliding poles of a firehouse I'll never understand. Maybe it's fun or something. Whatever the case, I guess painted ladies is the key to big bucks.
Honestly, the Goldfinger's promotion was a lot better than this one:
4. Maria Bamford & Target Holiday Ad Re-Runs
I don't know what it is about holiday commercials, but they can ruin the image of any awesome person. Since these commercials started airing in 2009, I've had to walk out of the room. The psychopathic shopper thing just isn't working for me, and to be honest, I get a little pissed off every time one of these ads comes back on. Plus, they were only supposed to run from 2009 to 2010.
But for those of you who don't know, Maria Bamford is actually quite entertaining, just not in the Target commercials. She's one of the most influential comedians in our time, and she's made people laugh with stories focused on domestic and psychological issues since around 1989. At least, I assume 1989 because she was born in 1970 and started performing stand-up when she was 19.
Anyway, if you wanna check out funny Maria Bamford, visit this website. But I really need to leave this topic alone and take a break to step away from this commercial.
3. We Wish You a Metal Xmas & a Headbanging New Year
This definitely isn't new, but the entire album's been buggin' me since I first heard it in 2008. To sum it up, all the legends who made metal and rock n' roll what it is in our memories - the parental defiance, the drug use, the sex, the stuff you see in Detroit Rock City - they cash in and try to make Xmas carols either cool or funny. Whichever one they think it is, it's not. However, since I'm not too positive my mother reads my blogs, I'm going to blare it on my way over to her house for Christmas this year.
It makes the Worst Holiday Promotions list because it's not that funny, it's not that cute, and most people do not really want to hear metal Christmas music, even if they like metal and Christmas.
2. A Christmas Story 2
(Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures)
There are only a few reasons I can think of for making a holiday-themed film:
1. You, as a director, want to create your own vision of the holidays.
3. You're out of ideas.
Now, when you make a sequel in 2012 of a hit from 1983 called A Christmas Story and release it straight to DVD, I can only think of one reason you might be interested: Money.
There are a lot of films with the sole purpose of making money, but I feel like rehashing a famous legacy of family stories is one you should leave alone.
The story is basically the same. There are Double-Dog Dares and the obnoxious neighbor kids. The dad still loves the same damn lamp. And the only thing to really change is the kid, who is now a teenager, but he just wants a really nice car instead of a BB gun.
My biggest beef with this film - which I consider nothing more than a holiday promotion - is that it is so far from Jean Shepherd's stories. As a radio and TV personality, a writer, and an actor, Shepherd told childhood stories like no one else could, albeit pseudo-autobiographical. Out of these stories came A Christmas Story, which was adapted into numerous forms, the most famous of which was the 1983 blockbuster. To me, it's just a shame to see this nonsense happen to a great writer and a well-weathered human being.
1. "Everyone Loves Ding-A-Ling"
If you were a child from the early 1980s to 1990s, you probably heard this Conway Twitty album playing in every shopping mall, every retail center, every elevatory, etc. Twitty was famous for providing country fans with other 55 hits. However, this is probably not my favorite one. Outside of this blog, you might be hearing the album somewhere now due to a remastering of the album in 2007. Take a listen and let me know if you're suspicious of the lyrics "Twitty" and company sing towards the bridge.
Fear, focus, and the future. C.M. Humphries talks about writing, horror, and whatever.