Blog Archives - C.M. HUMPHRIES

C.M. HUMPHRIES

Christmas Nightmares

12/24/2011

Ho, Ho, Horrors: Holiday Gimmicks Gone Awry

Ever since Christmas became synonymous with commercialism, people have caused nightmares in their attempts to increase sales with ill-conceived gimmicks.

And I'm here to point them out.

The Holiday Season is intended to be a time of pure joy and a perpetual act of kindness onto others, but there is the big business side misleading desperate businesspersons to the dark depths of December disasters.

#5 comes in as one of the worst uses of a Christmas Classic:

#5 Ax-Murdering Santa

Australia is known for concocting some of the most terrifying of horror stories and movies. Thanks to them, we now know, love, and hate the Saw movies.

But I doubt anyone had a horror film in mind when they decided to use a giant, inflatable Santa Claus next to the sign of a butcher shop.

If I were still a kid, this is definitely what I would want to imagine Santa does during his off-time. Going back to the Saw movies . . . did you know there is a movie about a murderer dressed as Santa Claus? It's American, but I thought I would share.

The Worst Advice I Can Give

12/23/2011

I'm not one of those fancy college-educated experts.
Wait, I am.

I should've done this at BSU.

You don't have to search the unknown depths of Google to come across free advice. It's ubiquitous.

How to Write, How to Sell, How to Live, How to Get A Job. These all have one common goal: TO MAKE MONEY.

But let's not full discredit the advice at our disposal; some of it's quite worthwhile. There's a lot of crap, though, so how do we filter it out?

Let me help you. I'll give you advice on 3 of the most common self-help topics, so you don't have to blow your hard-earned money (or lack thereof) on a lucky shot.

3. How to Write a Novel:
This is probably my favorite topic. Sure, there are a few books on "How to Write", which are useful, but anyone telling you the one-way to do things is full of shit. Be wary of absolutism. Hell, for all we know it's not oxygen that we breathe.

My suggestion: Read a lot of books. I mean any fucking book you see, read it. Then attempt to write. Practice, practice, practice. Try to write a book. Try to enhance that book. Try to sell that book to any sort of publisher. It's 2011, which means we have all the tools we need to avoid the Big 6 publishers . . . if that's what you desire.

2. How to Be a Good Parent

As good as any advice.

1. How to Land a Job After College

There are a lot of these books out lately, which should scare you. It scares me.

When there's a how-to book on using your degree to procure a career, there must be something wrong with the job market. I mean, wasn't the how-to advice "go to college"?

Find a job you might like and tailor your resume, look, etc. to it. Try and try again. That's my free advice.

Most jobs in the States right now do now require college degrees, although they do help. But why should your college degree help you beat out the other workers in a grunt-level job?

I have yet to find any self-help book on this topic which proposes new ideas. Instead of spending time theorizing about a job, why not shoot for one?

I personally prefer Biz Stone (twitter) 's concept: Manufacturer Opportunity. If there isn't something out there for you, create it.

Remember the Adjective "Ethical"?

12/18/2011

A Note from the Author

Networking (Friends, Fans, and Professionals)

One thing I don't like to discuss in this blog is the way it functions. See, I write something, and maybe, some people look at it for a few seconds. I like the system. I write, you read.

What's problematic is sometimes I write and fewer people read than usual . That's okay, and let me explain why: Just because I write doesn't mean I expect to be read.

It's a privilege to have your eyes on my blog right now. I thank you ever so kindly for that, because I would never, ever expect anyone to owe me a looksee.

There are bloggers and writers galore who spend all their time talking about networking, and I guess I am right now. The thing is, most of them explain the ins and outs of social networking and website producing.

They call see their viewers as clientele or a "network". I don't aim to have a network.

You're a fan, you're a friend, you're a nice person. Do I hope you buy some of my material? Sure, that would help me pay my college loans off and allow me to eat a full meal. Do I expect it? No. It's okay if you don't.

No one owns their viewers. Sure you might have a network, but it's not a network. Everyone geeks out when they bump into someone in their industry, simply because that person may be able to do them a favor. Friends do favors, and that is fine. But making friends to gain favors . . . ? Ugh.

And as for readers: Hell, one day I may see zero hits. Who knows? Right now it's good. And right now I'm thankful.

Platform

A lot of people misuse their "platforms". For those who have no need for one, or don't fully understand the use of the term here, it's something you use as a stage for your talent, or whatever it is you're trying to gain attention to.

For nonfiction writers, a platform helps them gain popularity and gain more credibility with publishers and other writing professionals. This is also fine.

But the minute someone forgets the purpose behind their website or other stage, they lose it all. See, I may be a little inconsistent with blogging or adding new things to the site, but that is all due to the fact I am writing.

Yes, a writer, for instance, produces stories. This is how a writer gets by in life.

If I don't produce content, I become irrelevant.

To consider your platform more essential than your talent is foolish. Want readers? Write something worth reading.

Deep breath.

That's my rant for today. Tune in Tuesday for the latest installment of The Common Jerk. I'm thinking either the "condescending consumer" or the "reader hater."

3 More Ways the World Will Change

12/11/2011

3. Aliens Will Kill Us

2. Climate Change

THE WORLD IS MELTING!

Although this little fact is not a real shocker, but there have been several meetings between nations about the change in climate. The worry is wind.

For instance, meteorologists make a majority of their weather guesses based on how the wind shifts. And cloud systems.

Now it's not as easy as it sounds, unless you read this book.

The main point is many countries are genuinely concerned about the shift in climate change winds. How could it affect the surrounding environment, its wildlife, and people? Yet, one bill after another, the U.S. ignores the notion entirely. Do we have a Plan B in case we're wrong and they're right?

What does this mean for all of us? Well, if you live in Indiana, it doesn't mean much more than shitty weather in reverse. (Note: That last part was sarcasm.)

1. The More You'll Succeed, the More You'll Fail

Studies now show winning doesn't mean you'll keep on winning.

The general idea is, if you figure out how to succeed at something and repeat the steps, you will continue to succeed. At least for awhile.

For instance, I figure out a perfect formula for novels and have a bunch published. This will work well until people grow bored and other writers copy me. Or probably the other way around.

However, there's another argument.

A study on basketball players showed players who score one free-throw are likely to take the next shot. Each time they take another shot, they are less likely to make the next.

How the world changed: It changed our understanding of success.
How it stayed the same: We still learn best from our mistakes.

And I guess here's one more thing that might change our world . . . or end it:

No matter what he says, his delivery entertains me.
Should I deliver my blogs the same way?

Didn't This Used to Be a Bookstore?

12/10/2011

Left to right. Up and down. Two things work this way.

Take that, Bookstore!

The Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Avon, Indiana is closing down, and many people are confused or worried. It's hard to tell which; they make the same face for both emotions.

First off, I would like to make one major point: Barnes & Noble is not closing down. They now mainly focus on their online presence with e-books, and of course, their device sales. I believe Amazon is still #1 in the printed book rat-race, if not the leader across the board.

So not all B&Ns are closing, but many are. Borders is gone. And you don't see a physical Amazon bookstore.

E-books outsell the holy crap out of printed books. Many devices have e-readers. But the United States is only #26 on the education/literacy rate.

America is still 99% literate, but since we're not the best readers in the world, does that mean the digital shift has had an effect on how, when, where, why, what we read? Does it affect how much?

I'm going to take a shot at the answer and say sort of. I don't think Americans read as much as many other human beings across the globe, but I'm not too sure it solely relates to the lack of interest in printed books.

I think some people are actually happy bookstores are closing down. Back when they dropped out of sixth grade, they would have killed to see the end of books. But no one's so lucky. And I might still have a purpose in life.

So what does the lack of bookstores amount to? Will it decrease the amount we read?

It's important to realize we are speaking of printed books. As in novels or educational texts. Heavy-ass books. Does reading a one-page article not count as reading? Consider this blog: You didn't just memorize all the text by staring at it really hard. You're reading right now - or skimming.

There's not a lot of science behind the bookstore dilemma. There are other guesses, though.

My thoughts:

1.       The media will not affect the outcome. I think people will still read. People either like reading or they don't. The first thing you learn as a writer is not everyone is going to read you, and you really don't have the right to be read because you write.

2.       As for businesses . . . Yeah, I think they're going to see some hurt coming their way. Right now e-books sell well, but they're low-priced. Stores could charge more, but ask Netflix what happens when you do that. Also, the devices have brought many people to Amazon and BN.com. Think about cell phones: The devices don't yield as much as they're worth.

3.       We'll all miss walking into a store with the stench of an old paperback latticed with fresh coffee. Sigh. But literature always evolves. I bet fireside-storytellers were pissed when we started mass-producing paper.

Consider this before you go back to facebook.

So what do you think?

Getting to Know a Murderer 101

12/8/2011

Introduction to Adam Coy, one arrogant murderer with pyrotechnic tastes.

I'm not sure what this says about me, but I have a taste for arrogant characters who cannot be broken down into "antagonists" or "heroes".

During my child hood, I became obsessed with comic-book characters such as Wolverine and Batman. Arguably, they're antiheroes. It doesn't matter. Patrick Bateman, the chick from Invisible Monsters, the kind of guys Arnold Schwarzenegger or Bruce Willis would play in a movie.

And if the said characters are intellectually curious and well-spoken, it's bonus points. This is what led to Adam Coy in Excluded.

First off: Yes, his name is a play on words.
Secondly: He'll kill you if you snicker.

Adam Coy is this dark-minded 30-some year-old, who after losing his mother and watching his father lose his faith, grew into many bottoms of bottles. He also fell in love with gasoline and fire.

Here's a little snippet from the novel*:

Man-Made Death of the World

12/6/2011

How We Turned a Super-Deadly Flu into a Super-Duper-Deadly Flu for kicks

One Virus Dr. Mario Can't Kill.

Read Why Ron Fouchier Sucks.

There are dozens of articles over the possible publication of super-flu research. Many are terrified over the bio-terrorism possibilites, such as some James Bond villain requesting ransom for 50% of the World's life.

Yes, a virus that could kill half of the world.

Netherlands - Fouchier recently modified the H1N1 virus - the Avian Bird Flu that was supposed to kill us all - and took a super-lethal virus and made it more contagious.

And our worries rested aside until he tried to publish the recipe. Yup, we waited that long. Maybe someone at the beginning of this should have cocked their head and said, "Emm. Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

Why the hell would anyone do this? I thought medicine attempted to work the other way - You know, the way that helps human beings. But every day I grow a little more wrong.

This is worse than Anthrax.

Seriously, let's stop doing this. How about scientists and doctors go back to helping cure things, rather than figuring out if they can make a virus which could possibly wipe out our species. That would be cool, right, killing ourselves? Ugh.

Thanks for reading. If you see Fouchier on the street, give him the bird (no pun intended) and maybe a kick to the groin.

Cease and Desist Kim & Kris

12/5/2011

Help Me Put An End to This

Thank the heavens I do business under the name C.M. Humphries - and the fact I know how to spell Christopher.

I don't really know what to discuss here that isn't already obvious. Kim and Kris break up; Chris gets the jokes. Kim sues Kris. Chris gets the harassment. Kris sues Kim; Chris gets the snickers. Kim accuses Kris of being gay: the whole world laughs and Chris gets pissed off.

Why?

That's why. So stop. Please, stop. Cease and desist. In fact, let's draw up the order:

CEASE AND DESIST DEMAND
December 05, 2011

Christopher M. Humphries
Places

Dear Perpetrators of Defamation:

This bogus firm represents [Christopher Humphries]. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this letter to your attorney immediately and have your attorney take a vacation. I can't afford a better one, but if you would like to refer to my counsel, come meet me in a dark alley, behind the gun store.

We are writing to notify you that your bullshit in tabloid organizations everywhere have caused psychological and otherwise ridiculous harm to the man with the same name, although he is much more handsome and knows how to spell words and names the proper way - Chris with as "k", as in "Kris", implies a certain gender. So fuck you, man.

CEASE AND DESIST ALL BULLSHIT.

Christopher Humphries, known as "Chris" Humphries and D.B.A. "C.M. Humphries" demands termination of all Kris Humphries mentionings on social networks, magazines, electronic publications, e-zines, e-books, i-books, Nook Books, news headlines, television shows, comedic gags and one-liners, material items such as general merchandise and clothing, from the NBA, from Kim Kardashian, from co-workers, average-Joes, wannabes, losers, geeks, preps, nerds, hipsters, hippies, yuppies, stones, druggies, pill-poppers, doctors and drug dealers, lawyers, game shows, game show contestants, from passing gusts, the crackle of dry corn, license plates, bumper stickers, politicians, celebrities, McDonald's clerks, from people who insist upon making the references, from God Himself, from Satan, from Santa Claus and all of his weird-ass friends, from the WWE, especially from Biz Stone and David Letterman, and whatever fucking else I have forgotten.

You should probably give my client [Christopher Humphries] some of your money in order to less piss him off. While the written word may lead readers to right understanding of which Chris they are referring to, the spoken does not. Most media fails to address Kris Humphries as "NBA Star" or guy not as cool as "Chris Humphries", who spells his name correctly.

The following is a list of defamatory claims made due to Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian that cause Chris Humphries grief:

"Kim and Kris engaged"
"Kim and Kris Wedding"
"Kim and Kris Split"
"Kim Sues Kris"
"Kris Sues Kim"
"What Went Wrong - Kim Kardashian Reveals All On Humphries"
"What Went Wrong - Why the Bitch Had to Confuse My Name with Chris Humphries', a Guy Who Knows How to Spell"
"Kim is a Bitch"
"Kris is Gay"
"Humphries is Gay"
"Kris Humphries is Gay"

To address this issues, my client [Chris Humphries] demands all of the aforementioned cease and desist, according the whichever law will bring me some money and relief. Also, Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are required to make a public apologize to Chris Humphries and mention how awesome his is by comparison.

If you or your attorney have any questions, please contact my fist immediately.

Sincerely,

[Christopher M. Humphries]

All I Want for Christmas is Xanax

12/3/2011

Does Everything Suck?

Like television channels, I flipped through all the noise on the internet, searching for something to wrap my mind around. To be fair, many articles on websites went unnoticed this morning due to preoccupation.

Preoccupation? Whaat? Yeah, exactly. My mind. Preoccupado.

Whether at home, in the malls, at work, or during our other activities (I'm referring to vocation), stress layers on thick, like an old fruit cake.

I mean, stress is that disgusting and that impossible to chew.

If you can't chew all the garbage shoved in your mouth, what do you do? Blow up like Mentos and diet Dr. Pepper - that's what you do.

And why? Why does this time of year always mean pent-up mental struggles? Is it the harsh work hours? Is it bustling streets full of desperate shoppers, trying to snag impossible gifts for their loved ones? Is it because we're no longer enjoying the lovely outdoors and hanging out as much?

I'm convinced it's mostly the latter. We don't have as much fun when the winter weather rolls in. Rolls in. Who am I kidding? If you live in the mid-west or east coast, then you know winter blitzes in with nothing gentle about it. From now on, I'm going to slouch outside, in the snow, in a beach chair, sipping a cold brewski.

I read this article about "play" and have come to realize the meaning to life might be the little moments in which we relax and have fun. While the article seemingly stabs at those redefining play with educational toys and restrictive characteristics to play, I argue the problem is play stops after elementary school.

Think about it; what's the best part about high school or college? When you're allowed to run wild. This can be having fun or putting your education to use with your own imagination.

How about work? My favorite part about work - and maybe the only reason I ever clock in - is just to clock out. Breaks, lunch, going home. All anticipated experiences I couldn't find anywhere else but work. If I didn't groan and moan every day, during the long drive, I would find no pleasure in the few moments to myself.

Play is fun. Play is pointless*. Play is necessary.
I'm calling for a nation-wide Day of Play. Seriously, great federal holiday idea. I mean, we only get one holiday off a year (for most jobs), and that's assuming you belong to a specific ideology.

So what do you guys think? Is a Day of Play necessary to keep us from killing each other over nothing? Let's start a petition right now! Or just bitch loud enough about it for the world to hear.
#dayofplay

*play develops creativity, imagination, and stimulates mental activity. Not to mention it helps maintaining exercise in your day under certain circumstances.

Day and Night

When Edgar Allan Poe Speaks of Ravens

Charlatan

Lovely Weather for Long Brooke

All Things Beautiful

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