Help Me Put An End to This
Thank the heavens I do business under the name C.M. Humphries - and the fact I know how to spell Christopher.
I don't really know what to discuss here that isn't already obvious. Kim and Kris break up; Chris gets the jokes. Kim sues Kris. Chris gets the harassment. Kris sues Kim; Chris gets the snickers. Kim accuses Kris of being gay: the whole world laughs and Chris gets pissed off.
That's why. So stop. Please, stop. Cease and desist. In fact, let's draw up the order:
CEASE AND DESIST DEMAND
December 05, 2011
Christopher M. Humphries
Dear Perpetrators of Defamation:
This bogus firm represents [Christopher Humphries]. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this letter to your attorney immediately and have your attorney take a vacation. I can't afford a better one, but if you would like to refer to my counsel, come meet me in a dark alley, behind the gun store.
We are writing to notify you that your bullshit in tabloid organizations everywhere have caused psychological and otherwise ridiculous harm to the man with the same name, although he is much more handsome and knows how to spell words and names the proper way - Chris with as "k", as in "Kris", implies a certain gender. So fuck you, man.
CEASE AND DESIST ALL BULLSHIT.
Christopher Humphries, known as "Chris" Humphries and D.B.A. "C.M. Humphries" demands termination of all Kris Humphries mentionings on social networks, magazines, electronic publications, e-zines, e-books, i-books, Nook Books, news headlines, television shows, comedic gags and one-liners, material items such as general merchandise and clothing, from the NBA, from Kim Kardashian, from co-workers, average-Joes, wannabes, losers, geeks, preps, nerds, hipsters, hippies, yuppies, stones, druggies, pill-poppers, doctors and drug dealers, lawyers, game shows, game show contestants, from passing gusts, the crackle of dry corn, license plates, bumper stickers, politicians, celebrities, McDonald's clerks, from people who insist upon making the references, from God Himself, from Satan, from Santa Claus and all of his weird-ass friends, from the WWE, especially from Biz Stone and David Letterman, and whatever fucking else I have forgotten.
You should probably give my client [Christopher Humphries] some of your money in order to less piss him off. While the written word may lead readers to right understanding of which Chris they are referring to, the spoken does not. Most media fails to address Kris Humphries as "NBA Star" or guy not as cool as "Chris Humphries", who spells his name correctly.
The following is a list of defamatory claims made due to Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian that cause Chris Humphries grief:
"Kim and Kris engaged"
"Kim and Kris Wedding"
"Kim and Kris Split"
"Kim Sues Kris"
"Kris Sues Kim"
"What Went Wrong - Kim Kardashian Reveals All On Humphries"
"What Went Wrong - Why the Bitch Had to Confuse My Name with Chris Humphries', a Guy Who Knows How to Spell"
"Kim is a Bitch"
"Kris is Gay"
"Humphries is Gay"
"Kris Humphries is Gay"
To address this issues, my client [Chris Humphries] demands all of the aforementioned cease and desist, according the whichever law will bring me some money and relief. Also, Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are required to make a public apologize to Chris Humphries and mention how awesome his is by comparison.
If you or your attorney have any questions, please contact my fist immediately.
[Christopher M. Humphries]
Fear, focus, and the future. C.M. Humphries talks about writing, horror, and whatever.